(18) to (19) I think I’ve found the light at the end of the tunnel

I’ve managed to crawl out of a very dark place. In the first photo, I hadn’t left my house in months or talked to anyone. I was in the pits of hell, majorly depressed, and barely hanging on. The period of being housebound lasted 16 months, from May 2024 to October 2025.

I have had a much better time lately. I try to get up every day and take walks, cycle, read, listen to music, and be in nature. It feels like a world away from how I spent my days a year ago, and I am doing a lot better. Socially, though, I am suffering. I have no friends, but I have absolutely zero shame about that. My life circumstances have not been kind to me, so that’s understandable. I am currently trying to put myself out there, and since I am incredibly sensitive to rejection, I will try and do rejection therapy. I need it.

When I worked as a server in a restaurant at 16, I remember my rejection sensitivity being so bad that I would avoid asking customers whether they wanted still or sparkling water, and I just offered tap. Why? Because if they declined and said they didn’t want to buy a bottle of water, I would tragically internalise that and think they’ve said no to me because it’s me. I have a very low opinion of myself, and it really did hurt me. That’s really sad. I really should do rejection therapy because people always tell me it’s a part of life. I’ve been so badly abandoned and betrayed by my own family, and I haven’t lived to get rejected yet. I just hide away and avoid it because I know it will be so unbearable.

I’ve got this! I’m a total loner, but I have truly found peace in the mundane things. I romanticise life so much; music is everything to me. I’ve got to get out of this bubble, though. It’s going to be so uncomfortable, but I really do need to deal with it and learn to be okay with it. Having an awful childhood and being treated poorly really does affect you massively. I’m so damn sensitive. I’ll be okay, though. I really think I’ve done most of the hard stuff already. I need to leave the bubble. I’ll do it!