IF you are looking for steamy thrills on the big screen, forget it — TV is now your best bet for a turn-on.
Epic battles, superhero capers and cute romcoms fill the cinema without so much as a bedroom fumble these days.
Raunchy flicks have become as extinct as the dinosaur, with many movies showing more prehistoric beasts than a simple snog.
In fact, since 2000, the number of sex scenes has flopped by a whopping 40 per cent.
Back then, less a fifth of all films had no sex or nudity. Now, half have not a flicker of flesh or funny business.
It seems that, when it comes to Hollywood, sex no longer sells.
Thankfully, the same cannot be said for TV, where viewers can often see top A-list actors getting it on episode after episode.
Shows such as Euphoria, Jilly Cooper’s Rivals, Bridgerton and Sex Education have scratched many an itch behind closed doors.
The latest series of Euphoria features character Cassie, played by siren Sydney Sweeney, filming OnlyFans content with a dummy in her mouth and legs seductively spread.
Meanwhile, Bridgerton lovers Benedict (Luke Thompson) and Sophie (Yerin Ha) romped in a stairwell.
Once upon a time, to see celebs naked, you bought a cinema ticket. Now there is Netflix and other bold streaming services.
The rise of online porn has also helped kill the buzz of explicit films, as OnlyFans means racy action is only a few clicks away.
Something that cannot be said for your local cinema, which is currently a lust-free zone.
Even Christopher Nolan’s The Odyssey provides hardly any X-rated action, in spite of the Homer poem on which it is based being packed full of the kink that the Greeks did so well.
In the ancient literary epic, Odysseus, who is played by Matt Damon in the movie, is kept on an island for seven years by Calypso — portrayed on screen by Charlize Theron — and the pair sleep together.
Yet in the film, she takes on a therapist role and all clothes stay on.
Nolan has also ripped out all the poem’s naked bathing scenes and endless acts of desire.
His Hollywood-friendly version concentrates on mythical creatures and giant battles rather than sexual urges.
Even historian Mary Beard is perturbed by the lack of passion in The Odyssey, as it is not true to the original poem.
She wrote: “While Nolan’s Circe (Samantha Morton, on great form) is a tremendous force of nature, the film has managed to obscure the sex in her relationship with Odysseus.”
The Invite, directed by and starring Olivia Wilde, sounds like it might have more chance of getting down and dirty as it is about swinging.
But apart from some flashes of a fully-dressed Penelope Cruz’s ample cleavage, and a few seconds of Olivia in a bra, sex remains something that is discussed but not seen.
You only have to look at the current UK box office to see it is as sexy as a hosepipe ban.
It includes Spider-Man: Brand New Day, Paw Patrol and Toy Story 5.
And the release of Tony yesterday still hasn’t brought any bang.
Even though it is a coming-of-age film about the wild antics of a young Anthony Bourdain, there is absolutely no sign of anyone having sex.
He said: “There are far fewer romance films being made than there have been in the past.
Film data scientist Stephen Follows has studied the reasons for this considerable droop in bedroom antics.
“So the genre that keeps sex on screen alive is getting fewer and fewer outings. And the genres that don’t need sex now dominate the release calendar.”
Stephen studied parental guides, censorship bodies and certification notes over decades of cinema and found that scenes including violence, drugs and swearing remain the same.
Sex is the only subject that has sharply declined in cinemas.
So what on earth do film-makers have against the natural act of sexual congress?
Well, it seems we can, once again, blame Gen Z for ruining all our fun. A survey by UCLA, which featured in The Hollywood Reporter, asked the under-30s what they like to watch, with 51 per cent saying they wanted to see more friendship and platonic relationships and 47 per cent claiming that sex “isn’t needed” in the majority of movies.
And while younger people are getting more prudish, sex-free films have multiplied. Stephen’s data found the biggest decline in frisky footage has been among action films and thrillers, with sexual content dropping by 60 per cent over two decades.
Even top directors are pushing back on filming a bonk as technicalities can be tricky.
Following #MeToo, it takes on-set intimacy coaches and contractual agreements before a sex scene is even considered.
Filmmakers are more conscious of how sexual content is perceived now and whether it is necessary at all.
Pulp Fiction and Kill Bill director Quentin Tarantino said: “It’s true, sex is not part of my vision of cinema . . . And the truth is that, in real life, it’s a pain to shoot sex scenes; everyone is very tense.”
He added that if a script genuinely demanded it, he would include racy material, but “so far it hasn’t been necessary”.
Luca Guadagnino, director of 2024’s hit film Challengers, starring Zendaya, is also no fan of the on-screen romp, saying: “To shoot sex on screen, in my opinion, it’s so unexotic and it’s so normal.
“The illusion that there is an actual deep physicality between the characters on screen, it’s an illusion. Truthfully, it’s so technical.”
But let’s be real. Hollywood is mostly driven by one thing — money.
Blockbusters cost millions to make, so must have broad appeal.
A film featuring sex scenes has immediately narrowed its audience, and any nudity raises the certificate, cutting out younger viewers and families.
The golden ticket for cinema certificates is 12A, as it appeals to older generations who think it might have a bit of edge compared to a PG, but will not be problematic to watch with the kids.
This can mean that even if sex is in the script, scenes of passion are cut entirely to appeal to the board of film classifications to give the film a lucrative 12A certificate.
Then there is the global picture.
Movie studios now rely heavily on audiences overseas, with China and much of the Middle East having become a huge market.
There, they have much stricter rules about any sexual content.
And, of course, the superhero has a lot to answer for.
Those licence-to-print-money movies are filled with characters who have never felt a twinge under their Lycra and capes.
Marvel Studios, owned by Disney, and DC Studios, owned by Warner Bros, are responsible for some of the biggest box office hits of the past decade, such as Avengers, Spider-Man, the first Aquaman flick and Batman — all without a sex scene between them.
Marvel did allow a sexual encounter to play out in 2021’s Eternals. But it ended up being a box office flop.
And superheroes haven’t had any of that sort of action since.
These films not only have to appeal to millions worldwide; they also need to sell dolls, lunchboxes and duvet covers.
And showing The Hulk getting all horny won’t do that.
Whatever the reason for the current abstention, let’s hope the big-screen bonk isn’t banished for good.
